By Staff
I found myself with a lot of emotions while covering an event for the papers last week in Edwardsburg.
It wasn't the first time I went to the annual Domestic Violence Candlelight Vigil.
This time though, I let some memories come flooding back, which I had left buried in my past.
A co-worker said to me before the vigil, how could someone let these things happen?
Why don't they just leave?
Simple words – not so simple solution.
I know. It just may be the hardest thing you ever do.
Many abusers do so in ways that never leave marks, at least on the skin.
Constant put downs and name calling can make one lose confidence.
Being told you are stupid, maybe because you forgot an ingredient in a recipe or failed to pick up milk when you went to the store, wears you down a little bit at a time.
Sometimes it is only when you are outside of that environment you realize your real worth. Finding yourself and your strength is the key.
Too often, women are trapped in that constant cloak of inadequacy.
Abusers are merely making themselves feel better for their own shortcomings, I now believe.
Still, when you are the one hearing how bad your are, you start to believe.
Abusers don't get better without intervention and, sometimes, medicine.
The loss of control on their part could come from too much alcohol, drugs, or from an actual mental imbalance.
Abuse escalates.
The "I'm sorry, I won't let it happen again" sounds so good you really want to believe that this time things will be different. This time they really will seek help. This time they will stay on the medicine. This time they will stop at one drink. This will be the last time. But it usually isn't.
I see young couples today mimicking pages of my past and I fear I can never give them knowledge I have learned about those who act and feel superior to their spouse.
Too often the woman is afraid to end the relationship, even if no wedding band is on her finger.
The relationship feels too comfortable. There is a sense of completeness. Even if there are bad times, there are also good times, which usually outweigh the bad.
Still, the next time it happens it may be worse.
This time you might have a broken tooth or bruise marks.
You might have broken bones to go with your broken heart.
The violence escalates.
There may be threats, or fear of losing one's children.
Or the violence might start to include the children, too.
Even with a college education, a woman doesn't make as much as a man in the same role.
It's been proven in study after study.
What about those who earn minimum wage?
I can't imagine their fear of making it on their own.
Caring for one's dependents becomes a challenge. Maybe an additional part time job joins the normal 40 plus work week.
Who suffers? The kids are now on their own more than ever and the ends never seem to meet.
Maybe you and they were used to the lifestyle he provided.
Still, being out of the situation is better.
Getting there is what's hard.
We all need to recognize and support those in these situations. This was the message I heard at the vigil. Unfortunately, I remember being very alone.
Sometimes leaving helps not only the victim but also the abuser. Forced to change their comfortable life, they might also grow and eventually everyone in the family will benefit.
This may be the hardest column I have ever written, but if it encourages just one victim to feel strong enough to leave, then I am glad I opened that door in my heart that I closed 11 years ago.