By Staff
As soon as the checks clear, I'm outta here.
The next time you see me, I'll probably be on VH 1's "Best Week Ever."
Sept. 19 I won 150,000 Euros in a casino lottery program.
All of us unwitting participants were selected by computer ballot from 35,000 individual e-mail addresses at more than 15,000 companies, according to Bram of the Netherlands.
Sept. 20 I won 250,000 Euros from the European Union Lottery and Gaming Corp.
Sept. 21 I won $1 million (on "Survivor" you have to suffer a little for this kind of payout) in a drawing of 900,000 e-mail addresses in the Visa/MasterCard international program.
Theo and Karin told me it was a promotion by the software department to display the benefit of Internet usage.
Grease my palm with a cool million and I don't take much convincing.
In retrospect, Sept. 21 was the pivotal turning point in my life because I also padded my winnings with another 500,000 Euros.
What are the odds of winning $1 million, then in the same 24-hour span having my e-mail address pulled from 150,000 individuals at 50,000 companies?
Yet Martina assures me this is exactly what happened.
I could kiss her.
Sept. 22 I won 1 million Euros from the European Lottery Commission's anniversary.
Lisa provided me with a claim form to fill in my name, age, address, phone, company, occupation, country and e-mail address, which I thought she already had.
By now I was piling on.
Two more times I won 750,000 Euros. It was getting ridiculous.
This is so much better than the Michigan lottery, which I understand requires you to play before you can win.
News of my sudden wealth spread quickly.
I am hotter than Paris Hilton.
Everybody wants a piece of me.
Linda K., 19, the only daughter of a late general who directed military intelligence and was special acting general manager of the Sierra Leone Diamond Mining Corp., sought out my assistance in transferring $18 million made from the sale of diamonds and solid minerals before civil war broke out.
Her father was captured and murdered in "cool blood," her mother died of bullet injuries in an Ivory Coast hospital.
I get 15 percent just for helping her.
Coincidentally, Isa also has $18 million.
He's a Dubai merchant wasting away in a hospital with cancer.
Once you decide to persuade God to be merciful and accept your soul after living a life focused on business, and you've already distributed a small fortune to charities in the United Arab Emirates, Algeria and Malaysia, southwest Michigan is the next logical location for largess.
Especially since his family refused to distribute money destined for Bulgaria and Pakistan and hoarded it for themselves.
While I am known the world over as a trustworthy guy, I had to turn Isa down, as he only offered 10 percent.
Everybody seems to appreciate my remarkable skills.
Mr. Lin Chang wrote all the way from Taiwan because I am the obvious choice to be his payment agent for customers in Europe, North and South America and Australia, given my extensive resume in import and export of oil blocking booms and ropes, water supply purification, slick decomposition, coral reef, rehabilitation, well drilling, reservoirs and waste management.
The widow of a man who worked with Sierra Leone's embassy in South Africa for nine years before his 2001 death has $15 million to give away.
They were married 11 years and had no children.
Praise U. doesn't expect to last much longer because of cancer and strokes, so getting her funds from the Ivory Coast into the hands of someone who will fund churches and orphanages is urgent.
But I can't call her because her husband's relatives are not Christians and they hover around her like buzzards.
Matthew James, or James Matthew – he couldn't seem to keep his own name straight – spun a story almost identical to Praise U.'s, except he has $19.5 million. Until all my good fortune, I never thought of Africa as such a rich continent.
Bart used to be the personal assistant to former Liberian President Charles Taylor and he has $25 million spirited to a private security company in Nigeria to put into play, for which I am entitled to 25 percent for my quick assistance.
He probably pays better because he insists our dealings be confidential.
Why else would he send me his private e-mail address?
Florence informs me that Chuck had four wives and she was one of them. Her husband the warlord "committed so many crimes that I feel very ashamed of. I have contacted you because I am really under great pressure now that my husband is appearing before the international court for various war crimes that led to the killings of more than 200,000 people, including children, during his days in office."
Anyway, Flo decided to put the move on $14.5 million and 250 kilograms of gold dust Chuck entrusted to her for safe keeping before they fled to asylum in Nigeria.
By this time I didn't really need to read my e-mail from Roberta headlined, "If you don't want to receive $5,000 per month, then don't open that letter."
A financial company is in search of representatives in the United States and, since I can speak English and possess the requisite computer skills, I can make up to $3,000 per week working "only some hours a day."
Terry, a former minister with the Sierra Leone government, had me at hello.
Unfortunately, he was coy about the amount of money involved and wanted me to drop everything and meet him in Bangkok, Thailand.
The Associated Credit Union in Norcross, Ga., needs my input on its easy five-question survey, for which it credited $20 to an account I don't have.
The Michigan Schools Government Credit Union is even more dogged. It contacted me four times trying to credit an account I don't have with $100 so it can better understand how "customers" like me feel. Maybe more than four. Sept. 20 I deleted 173 messages.
If my new life of fortune and avoiding fame doesn't pan out, I can always get a job writing hard-luck stories.