Note: This piece ran four years ago. The dates and timeline (2016 vs. 2020) have been updated, but that is the bulk of any editorial adjustment. I think the message is just as impactful today, as it was oh so long ago.

With the 2020 election careening headlong into the dense fog of primary season, this reporter sat down with the perennial candidate, Mr. Arnold Tobin, to get his thoughts on the current state of presidential politics.

Interviewer: Mr. Tobin, thank you for taking time out of your busy day to share your impressions concerning the presidential election.

Arnold Tobin: No problem, Lionel, but I’m afraid I don’t do impressions of the presidential candidates. I leave that to the professionals, like Tina Fey, Rich Little, and that Baldwin brother…you know the one — the one that got old, fat and keeps threatening to leave the country if the candidate of his choosing doesn’t win.

Interviewer: Do you mean Alec Baldwin?

Arnold Tobin: That could be the guy. I can never remember his name. I know he was married to Kim Basinger. Her, I remember — him, not so much.

Interviewer: Tell me, Mr. Tobin…

Arnold Tobin: Please, Liam, this is our fourth interview, together. Call me by my first name.

Interviewer: Alright, then, Arnold, you have been uncharacteristically quiet during this election cycle. Why is that?

Arnold Tobin: You’re right, Lester. Usually, I run a write-in campaign in which I let the good, ballot casting folks decide which office they feel I will mess up the least. My campaign promise has always been to do as little as possible, and try my best to not make things any worse. There are professional politicians that have worked their entire careers to get things as bad as they are now. This time around, we started the whole fracas off with about a dozen and a half candidates, sitting on or leaning against the political fence. One by one, they have been falling off that fence, and all we have left is a choice between old, older, really old and really, really old — I’ll let your readers decide which one is which.

Interviewer: But why have you been conspicuously silent?

Arnold Tobin: Lenny, I call it the Chicken Wing Conundrum. A while back, I went into one of my favorite watering holes, ordered a plate full of hot wings and a glass full of a cold one. I inadvertently found myself listening to an animated debate coming from a group of people in the booth next to me. At first, these good folks seemed like they were all friends. However, when the conversation turned to politics, things got ugly, fast. None of them had anything positive to say about their own candidate — nothing to justify their support — just mean, nasty, hateful, venom about the other candidates. What’s worse, they had equally mean, nasty and downright vicious things to say about anyone that supported any opposing candidate. I thought I was in a biker bar in Modesto. It was scary.

Interviewer: But, why have you been quiet about all of this?

Arnold Tobin: Well, Luis, I’m all about friendship preservation. I don’t do that Facebook thing very much. I don’t care how drunk a bunch of party girls can get or what someone I barely know decided to eat for lunch. But recently an old friend posted a political comment and I responded with what I thought was a reasonable contrary position. My intention was to engage in a thoughtful conversation. My good friend — a friendship decades in the making — took umbrage with my comment. He labeled me as “a special kind of stupid.” I didn’t know there were special classifications of stupid — Wikipedia doesn’t break it down that way.

Interviewer: That must have been disheartening.

Arnold Tobin: Disheartening ain’t the word for it, Lincoln. What’s going to happen the day after the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November? This whole mess will be over and everyone in America will have lost half of their friends. Like I said, a lot of people have worked their entire careers to get things as bad as they are. I don’t know if the swamp will ever get drained, but I’m thinking about rooting for the alligators — maybe they’ll go after Alec Baldwin first.