Occupancy at the big, round, simulated oak table, perched squarely in the middle of the diner (at least, as squarely as a round table can perch), was nearly full — save the seat that Big John usually acquired after unleashing his typically outlandish opening salvo of controversial commentary — that generally followed his gregariously forceful (but usually tardy) entrance.

Big John Hudson was late and the members of the Circular Congregation Breakfast Club had precious little of questionable substance to discuss.

Comments such as “Did you see the game last night?” and “It’s good we’re having weather,” seemed to be the best any of the group could muster.

That was, of course, until Mort decided to share his latest musings from the internet.

“I read in Dave Fleming’s blog that what’s-her-name — you know the one, the woman running for president — not the woman that got fired from her real job as president of a computer company, that’s running for President — not the one that shoots moose in Alaska, that ran for President a couple of times before — the one that ran once before, is running again this time, and doesn’t know how to send emails.

You know which one I’m talking about — the one that smiles through the TV at me, like my mom used to do when she was about to tell me I had to go to the dentist and she was going to make sure it hurt even worse if I didn’t go. You know who I’m talking about?”

Everyone nodded to the affirmative in hopes of getting Mort to get to the point (or, better yet, just shut up).

“This Fleming guy says that some of her emails are about someone that wanted to start a university named after her.”

“S’pose that’s real?” questioned Arnold Tobin, the group’s resident political hack and on-again/off-again potential presidential candidate. “She’s never even been president. Why would they name a university after her?”

“The real question should be: Who wants to name a university after her?” offered Tommy Jones, the group’s octogenarian voice of reason. “Of course, that should be followed by, ‘Seriously, who the hell thought that was a good idea?’ and, ‘Is it still illegal to shoot idiots?’”

“Ssssooo…let me get this straight,” pondered Arnold as he considered the opportunities. “If I do run for president, someone will name a university after me?”

The possibilities were intriguing.

“You might do better if you start your own university and then run for president,” Harry mumbled in a feeble attempt to showcase his command of all things trivial while remaining separated and unstuck from the conversational morass. “The guy that’s on top of the heap right now — the Brazilianaire with funny hair — he started his own school and named it after himself. It went under after about an hour and a half, but he’s still running for president and kicking some serious butt in the polls.”

“I don’t think using the word ‘serious’ in any conversation about presidential politics is the proper use of the word,” countered Jimmy. “What I want to know is, who is going to run the Tobin University of Tepid Education — better known as TUTE, the school for lukewarm learning?”

This question was exactly the fuel Firewalker needed to motivate his nickel ninety-eight’s worth of input.

“I’m available,” he offered with unusual sincerity. As a full time unemployed college president and part time unemployed Sanskrit translator, Firewalker was definitely available and (in theory) capable of running a college — at least, as capable of being a college president as Arnold was capable of being POTUS.

“I have one more question,” mumbled Harry as he wiped at the escaped dribble of sausage gravy that was trying to find a new home in his beard. “Who is Dave Fleming?”

 

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His optimistic “glass full to overflowing” view of life shapes his writing. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. Wilson touts himself as “a dubiously licensed teller of tall tales, sworn to uphold the precept of ‘It’s my story; that’s the way I’m telling it.’” He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com.