The Shelter for Starving Artists and Underpaid Academics is a hotbed of warm mattresses and non-strategic long range planning.

Recently clients as well as funding sources for the Shelter have all but disappeared and the well-intentioned people on the board of directors have struggled to find ways to keep the shelter open. Adele Bertram is the Board Chairperson, Lady Grey-Fogg is a socially minded spinster living off the remnants of a long ago depleted fortune, and Horace Granger was a stock broker before the Grand Recession and is currently the custodial specialist at the Shelter.

During long range planning sessions held in the basement conference room of the Shelter, the three members of the Board are usually joined by Sylvester, a resident at the Shelter and artist best known for his lack of a surname rather than talent — along with Hannibal King, a member of the Farternal Order of the Grand Misconception (FOG’M) whose members volunteer to sling hash and give out poor advice.

The building is in reasonably good shape, except for some minor issues. In the summer, the air conditioning doesn’t work, but that is tempered by the lack of heat in the winter. The roof leaks, but only during the rainy season (or periods of high humidity). The food pantry shelves are nearly barren, forcing the FOG’M members to water down the already soupy mashed potato flakes. However, the lack of food is not that big of an issue because, other than Sylvester and a surly character named Andrew who came to the shelter as a part of a now defunct witness protection program, there are no client/residents to serve.

“We need an action plan to raise funds in order to continue the good work of this remarkable institution,” declared Adele. The “good work” of the shelter had become, for the most part, providing a place for FOG’M members to escape from nagging wives and domestic honey-do lists.

“We need to raise funds to make the Shelter an inviting, vibrant, exciting showplace of the community,” remarked the ever-optimistic Lady Grey-Fogg. Why someone would want to “showcase” poverty supported by ineptitude was anyone’s guess.

“We need to raise funds for toilet bowl cleaner,” mumbled Horace. He was the most business minded member of the Board. “Kick Andrew out and we save half the cost of running this place.”

Hannibal suggested putting meat on the menu and not just serving something similar to potato bisque with the flavor of Elmer’s glue.

Sylvester enthusiastically agreed with Hannibal and Horace — he could get better food and take over Andrew’s room in the only part of the building where the roof didn’t leak.

Around the table spun the conversation. Suggestions were made and barely considered. Positions were established and ardently unsupported. The only consensus was to meet again on the fourth Thursday of next month – only because that is when they always meet.

The meeting adjourned with all the members of the board feeling good about having put forth the effort to discuss the problems at hand. Everyone agreed that a lot of good ideas were put on the table. Horace refused to clean the table afterward, Lady Grey-Fogg went home to her apartment over the taxidermy shop on Main Street, Hannibal went home to his overbearing wife and shih-tzu (yes, the dog was also overbearing), and Sylvester went to find Andrew and give him the good news about getting booted out of his (so far) dry bedroom.

 

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His optimistic “glass full to overflowing” view of life shapes his writing. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. Wilson touts himself as “a dubiously licensed teller of tall tales, sworn to uphold the precept of ‘It’s my story; that’s the way I’m telling it.’” He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com.