Arnold Tobin has been considering another run at political office ever since the end of the last election cycle. His previous campaign strategy was to encourage the majority of citizens who are eligible to vote, but don’t care enough to bother with the voting process, to write-in his name for whichever office (or offices) they felt he was best suited. Mr. Tobin’s campaign slogan was, “Vote for Arnold. You have no reason not to.”

Recently, this pundit met up with Mr. Tobin as he helped serve food at the Shelter for Starving Artists and Underpaid Academics. Usually, the shelter must rely on the legal system to help populate its serving staff — with convicted misdemeanor miscreants working off imposed community service sentencing. However, during each political season, the hash-slinging staff swells disproportionately as political hopefuls pose for photo-ops while trying to show the world their connection with the common man by plopping a few scoops of runny mashed potatoes on flimsy paper plates.

Interviewer: Mr. Tobin, thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to speak with me today. Rumors have been circulating that you are considering a run at the Presidency. Can you confirm any of these rumors?

Arnold Tobin: Yes Lester, I can confirm that there are rumors circulating about me considering a run at the Presidency. However, the rumors are unclear as to whether it is the President of the United States, the President of the Chamber of Commerce, or the President of Hewlett-Packard. I am open to any and all offers, since I have been out of work since the beginning of the Great Recession in ’08.

Interviewer: Should you decide to run for President of the United States, what makes you feel you are qualified to lead the nation?

Arnold Tobin: Well Leonard, being a Washington outsider seems to be a very important thing in the mindset of many voters, these days. I will stack my lack of qualifications up against the lack of qualifications of anyone else running. What I don’t know about being President could fill a textbook on American politics.

Interviewer: What do you think your chances are? There are governors and former governors, senators and former senators, doctors and lawyers…

Arnold Tobin: But no Indian chiefs. Let me ask you a question, Lance. When was the last time someone that actually knew how to lead a nation got elected? We’ve had a community activist, a guy that didn’t know the difference between “strategy” and “strategery”, a womanizer, and someone that didn’t realize people could actually read his lips. Even I could be President.

Interviewer: What campaign tactics are you planning to employ? How do you expect to get your message out?

Arnold Tobin: I’m not sure Louis, but if that casino brazilianaire can be leading all the other presidential candidates in the polls, just by anointing people as “stupid”, “lazy,” “pigs,” and other well-intentioned terms of endearment, then I should be able to say just about anything and still have a chance at getting elected. That guy is better for presidential politics than Pat Paulsen.

Interviewer: Mr. Tobin, thank you, again, for taking time out of your busy schedule.

Arnold Tobin: Actually Lonny, I’m not taking time out of my busy schedule. Since I’ve been laid off from work for so long, the judge thought I was a vagrant and sentenced me to forty hours of hash-slinging. Enjoy your meal. Would you like a straw for slurping up your potatoes?

 

Larry Wilson is a mostly lifelong resident of Niles. His optimistic “glass full to overflowing” view of life shapes his writing. His essays stem from experiences, compilations and recollections from friends and family. Wilson touts himself as “a dubiously licensed teller of tall tales, sworn to uphold the precept of ‘It’s my story; that’s the way I’m telling it.’” He can be reached at wflw@hotmail.com.