By NICK THOMAS
Special to Off the Water

Paris Hilton: I’m going to do much more for others in 2013. I’ll begin by helping to feed the hungry by planting a lot more crops in FarmVille.

Justin Bieber:  I intend to keep a lower public profile in the New Year. But not before my new sitcom “Leave it to Bieber” airs; my new line of wrist watchers, Justin Time, is released; my new autobiography “To Bieber or Not to Bieber” is published; and the boy scouts change their motto to Bieberpared.

Kim Kardashian: I will try to keep trivial stories about my life out of the media spotlight, unless it’s something of national importance, like losing my cellphone.

Lindsay Lohan: I pledge to be a better driver. Whenever I hit pedestrians, I promise to stop three out of four times and, if they are conscious, sell them my autograph.

Britney Spears: Whenever I write something funny in an email or blog, I will not write LOL.  LOL

Bill Gates: I pledge to try and stop secretly hoping all Apples are attacked by worms.

Mark Zuckerberg: I will launch a new web site called Fannybook to complement my Facebook site. It will examine the other side of social networking.

Hugh Hefner: I plan to marry my girlfriend after she called off our engagement in 2011. The reason it took so long to become re-engaged was because her lawyers needed ten months to read my 6,000 page pre-nup agreement.

Marilyn Manson: I know I scare people; I even have to sneak up on the bathroom mirror. I promise to use less Snooki-like makeup in the New Year.

Joan Rivers: My Internet crashes every morning when I use it to talk with friends. In the New Year, I will abide by my Internet service provider’s request not to Skype while wearing my nightdress.

Judge Judy: I intend to be less judgmental.

PETA: We will be boycotting all physics textbook authors who persist in using the cruel Schrödinger’s cat paradox. Even theoretical cats should not be subjected to forced confinement in hypothetical boxes.

NRA: To increase spectator safety at sporting events, we will be suggesting federal legislation that forces every baseball, football and basketball fan to carry a concealed weapon.

Roger Federer: I plan to create a line of new designer tennis shoelaces.

Michael Phelps: I will put my gold medals on eBay, to pay off the national debt.

Barack Obama: I believe this nation should commit itself, to achieving the goal, before the year is out, of landing a man on Mars. And that man is Donald Trump. Then we can discuss the merits of returning him safely to Earth.

Piers Morgan: I intend to sign the petition going round to deport a whiny, annoying Brit who works in the U.S. entertainment industry. No, wait……

Sean Hannity: In the New Year, I plan to dye my hair blonde and take my medications regularly, so I can truly be fair and balanced.

Bill Clinton: Dang! I must listen more to my wife in 2013. I should have used “the concussion excuse” during the Monica scandal.

God: From now on, after seeing how humans have “evolved,” I’ll stick to creating uninhabited Gas Giants.

Thomas’ features and columns have appeared in more than 270 magazines and newspapers, including the Washington Post, LA Times, Chicago Tribune, Boston Globe and San Francisco Chronicle and Christian Science Monitor.