Like her, love her, hate her or imitate her, the self-proclaimed hockey mom from the raw wilderness of Alaska – Sarah Palin – has left an indelible mark on American political history.

A virtual unknown, Palin had her GOP constituency panting uncontrollably in their penny loafers when she was pulled into the political spotlight as Arizona Sen. John McCain’s running mate in the 2008 presidential election.

Following an unsuccessful run as a vice presidential nominee, Palin ditched her still relatively new gig as governor of Alaska and took on what could be considered a bloated career as a Lumberjack Jill of not so much trades.

She’s a co-author of her own memoir, the occasional tweeter, a reality television star and a sometimes commentator on various subjects for Fox News.

She’ll be speaking in Benton Harbor tonight. I’ll have three minutes to take photographs before I’m “ushered” to my seat. No questions, no recordings, just a pen and a paper. Sound a little void of fun? Indeed.

So … The following is a completely fictional interview between myself and “P. Alasky.”
You can embrace the humor – or you can stop reading right now and come back next week for a new topic.
—
I meet up with the infamous Ms. P at a nearby Starbucks. She – the drip coffee of the day with a concerning seven whole Sweet ‘N Lows; me, a latte with an extra shot of espresso and nonfat milk.

It’s a sunny day in small-town America and the perfect tempterature, but before we get started Palin snags me by the elbow and we slip into a broom closet at the back of the coffee house.

JS: You prefer the broom closet?

SP: I prefer to escape the paparazzi.

JS: I think that was a New York Times photographer.

SP: What’s that?

JS: Never mind. Thank you for meeting with me. I know you’re a busy woman. I’m going to go ahead and get the tough questions out of the way.

SP: Go right ahead.

JS: You have alluded to the fact that you may consider running for president in 2012. My question is this – how can you seriously present yourself to the American people as a candidate for an office rooted in commitment after leaving the office your constituents elected you to as governor after only two years?

SP: Well, we have a saying in Alaska, my home state where the beautiful Alaskan people live, and that is that we go where the wind takes us. Which is often to the edge … Because the wind blows to the west and there’s nothing after Alaska, it’s just blue all the way to that other piece of land over there but anyway, you go where the wind takes you. And that’s where I am – I’m on the edge.

JS: Of sanity?

SP: Of America. I think that the American people want to get back to those core real American values that we’ve lost somewhere along the line and stop the taxes and the indulgent spending and really get this country back on a solid foundation just as our four fathers had planned. There were only four – right?

JS: Why did you do it? Why run for vice president? Was it for the betterment of the party? Or was it really for the perks? The wardrobe?

SP: I don’t feel I should go backward. Instead, like America, I think we should look forward and I choose to do everything for the betterment of myself. And a better me, makes a better America. And you can quote me on that one there.

JS: Well, OK.

SP: And about the wardrobe … You know, you put me in Chanel and it’s a scandal. You put Michelle Obama in Chanel and it’s fashion.

JS: You make a good point.

SP:  Really?  Sweet.

JS: Do you ever tire of being painted as a dim-witted, gun-toting, big animal-hunting, tireless fishing caricature?

SP: No. Charicatures work for me. They highlight my cheekbones.

JS: I see.
SP: You know, the truth is – in politics we’re all caricatures aren’t we? We’re paraded and lauded around and our vapid counterparties inflate us into inaccurate portrayals of what we are.

JS: Wow.

SP: I know right? But underneath all of that are those core values that make us a better America. A stronger America. A dominant America. And if my critics want to make people dig a little deeper for those values, there’s nothing wrong with that. We dig all day in Alaska.

JS: What are these core values of which you speak?

SP: I can’t tell you.

JS: Because they vary for every American?

SP: No.

JS: Because they are rooted in our Constitution and would take more time than we have to explain?

SP: No.

JS: Oh. How come, P. Sizzle?

SP: Because you don’t know the secret handshake.

Jessica Sieff is a reporter for the Niles Daily Star. Reach her at
jessica.sieff@leaderpub.com.