By Staff
Some days … I swear. I'm being followed.
From the morning coffee to the late night latte, I just know there's somebody at my heels. Wanting something from me. My defenses go up, along with the hair on the back of my neck. I feel ready for a fight. And I fall into a fitful sleep followed by a fitful morning.
Some days melt into one another – and the fight turns into a battle and the battle turns into a war.
Yesterday afternoon my foe was standing in my kitchen. Perfectly put together with snazzy boots and not one hair out of place. She was busy washing dishes that have been sitting for four days now. The laundry was folded and my bills were neatly stacked on the counter, stamped, addressed and ready to go.
And the minute I pushed through the front door, exhausted as I was… I wanted to grab that perfectly coifed head of hers and shove it right into the dishwater.
She, of course, is me. Rather, that perfected little me that lives only in my imagination. On this occasion, it was the me that can actually finish a to-do list. Other times, the me in my head is a million times more complicated. She is one who confronts me with ethics and values and morals and questions me on integrity and character.
At times, it can feel like the world is poised against us. An army appears, crossing the horizon. Filling the scenery. Forcing us to put on the heavy armor, bid adieu to our loved ones and head into months of battle. Leaving us tired and worn out, battered and bruised.
Some battles have a distinct foe. We can see who and what we're fighting against. We're arguing with a spouse or a co-worker or a friend. Other days, however, the battles rage and seem unending. And sometimes we don't even realize what we're fighting against.
I'm reminded, of something I read in "Living a Life That Matters" by Rabbi Harold S. Kushner. In that book, Kushner recounts the biblical story of Jacob and his confrontation with an angel. It is a fight that lasts throughout the night. And Jacob, as it is interpreted, struggles with trying to figure out the identity of his opponent as he wrestles with someone or something of equal strength.
Many have speculated through interpretation the identity of Jacob's foe. Kushner presents a view that spoke to me from the moment I'd read it. I see the mysterious attacker as part of Jacob himself…" he writes. "…That is why he is exactly as strong as Jacob, no stronger, no weaker. The attacker, the angel is Jacob's conscience, the part of him that summons him to rise above his bad impulses."
The war within, can be a powerful one. Sometimes we are warring to rise above our instincts to do harm. To give in to ego and selfishness and greed. Other times it is just a war to be the people we want to be as a member of society, our families, and our friendships… And the struggle we find when we're wrestling with ourselves, Kushner explains, includes fighting our guilt for what we've done wrong, fighting our desire to do better. And sometimes to be better, to be good for ourselves – can be incredibly hard… Especially when it means making tough decisions and tough choices.
Decisions and choices that might seem small – but in the heart of battle – decide and choose the person we are going to become.
When it seems all is quiet on the front, sometimes we still find ourselves confronted with the person we want to be and the question of how to get there. Jacob fought in the dark … all alone. But, I find comfort in the idea that the match was just that. A challenge.
There was no clear winner in Jacob's case. Sometimes it's about the fight itself. Wrestling with the conscience.
For some it's wrestling with anger. For some it's pain. Or disappointment. Or dissatisfaction. Or fear. Of what will come of our decisions. Of what it will mean to set out to become the people we really want to be. And when we meet ourselves at the front. When we fight ourselves until the dawn – surely we will come away changed.
Rather – we walk away, having grown.
And that gives me comfort. And it comforts me to know the story of Jacob. Because it shows warring with ourselves is something that has been necessary and even inevitable – from the very beginning.
As for that girl … with the perfectly coifed hair, the clean kitchen and the folded laundry?
I can totally take her.